Monday, October 7, 2013

Today Was A Rollercoaster

A Crazy Ride

Well today was one of those days. You know the days that you wish you could hit the "reset" button. The hubby let me sleep in today which was nice. I really needed that. Colton seemed to be in a good mood. He was busy lining up his array of toys as usual. I learned that he really seemed to be found of the "Gumby" character and we got a few quiet moments while watching the movie. As it got closer to the time for his OT therapist Erica to arrive he began to get agitated. We had to skip his nap today in order to get this therapy visit which should already tell you that he was going to be a bit moody. Of course at around five minutes before she was due to arrive (therapy is in our home) he starting losing his cool. I could barely hear her knock but at least a couple minutes he was calm albeit very antisocial. It took him about fifteen minutes to warm up to her. After that he did pretty good. She was working on trying to get him to engage in play with her which of course he would do for about thirty seconds and then in typical fashion he would begin to gravitate towards other activities/toys or begin playing by himself. It didn't seem like we made much headway but he was being stable and calm which was a plus. After she left I could see he was still slowly getting closer to "meltdown" status. I had invited my mother and nephew over for dinner which is something I often do since to be honest being alone with Colton five nights a week can be exhausting and at times depressing. Don't get me wrong I love my son and am happy to be with him but ever since these issues began manifesting themselves more strongly and my husband started working nights I have found myself feeling very lonely and drained. He managed to eat dinner somewhat ok and interact with them. After they left we went up to my husbands work to bring him dinner which is something I do every night (isn't he spoiled?). Colton was getting closer and closer to losing it but trying so hard to hang in there, bless his heart. As soon as we left my husband to head home he began to wail, all during bathtime and pajama dressing he was whining. When it came time to lay him down he was melting down. Tonight was especially difficult. I'm not proud of it but after an hour of trying to console him I had to leave him to cry it out. Sometimes this only takes ten to thirty minutes before he falls asleep but tonight it was over an hour. I always am left feeling so bad and sad that I have to do this. I wish I could console him like other mothers can and that he would find comfort in me. Finding comfort and affection from me is rarely soothing to him. This of course is a low blow to me. I know he can't help how he deals or views things but of course I still have my motherly love and intuition to battle with. Well it's back to work for me tomorrow at least in a couple days I will get to begin my ten days off in a row. It is much needed. Colton does so much better when I have more consistency at home with him. I hate that our lives seem to be so limited. We are going to try and meet with a friend and her daughter Wednesday for dinner at a restaurant. Thankfully my husband will be going with us but I'm so worried about how Colton will be. I hate getting looked at by other people like I don't know how to be a parent or watch Colton get looked at like he's a bad child. That's one of the toughest things about Autism. Most of these children appear very normal and healthy but they act out more often than other children and this of course draws much negative stares and attention. Sometimes people even feel the need to talk to me about it. I always want to scream at them "He's just a child and he's having a bad moment. Give him and me a break!!" Why should we be made to feel like such social pariah. Do we need to buy t-shirts that say "Hey this is autism, get a life!?" NO! The world needs to learn to accept and respect my son, not to make my son feel different or detached. I feel so strongly that it is our responsibility (the world) to educate anyone and everyone about special needs persons and disorders because judging us and staring at us are not the answer. By doing this you are not going to make anything better. I think I will end this now. It's been a long day and I've got to go rest up for tomorrow because we just never know what that will hold. All I know for sure is that I love my son and I will advocate for him and autism everyday for the rest of my life.

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